I’m sitting in this dark room surrounded by the sounds of children playing and people telling stories of good times past. I curl up and hold my legs franticly searching for a flicker of light. My body grows cold and numb. Do I know those voices I hear? Do they know I am closed up in this tiny room all alone? Do they care enough to seek me out and rescue me? As I close my eyes, I dream of freedom. I feel the burning need for adventure. I remember a time before I walked into this room where I stood before a vast land of people who needed me. I felt the rush of adrenaline as I became useful and validated. Then just as I was about walk through the door of that country, I saw another door. It was a beautiful, natural-looking door that promised a whole new world of love and joy beyond measure. I could not resist. As I walked through, I felt at peace with my decision, certain that I could always go back and enter the country at any time. The further I walked, however, the clearer it became that there was no turning back. The feeling of disappointment was over-whelming at first, but the promises of this adventure were still there. As time pressed on, I eventually did find the love and joy I anticipated. I felt no regrets. There had been many hardships along the way, but I felt the rewards were worth it. Then one day, the walls began to close in. As they moved closer, the people around me began to walk out of the room, but I could not move. It was like I was trapped. As the room got smaller, the light also escaped. Now I find myself suffocating like an elephant sitting on my chest. My body is weak and shaking. The anxiety is beginning to over-take me. The voices I hear tend to believe I am still standing there beside them. They speak and laugh as if nothing has changed. The children continue to play their silly games and trust I am still watching. Why are they so blind? Why won't they understand? I can't breathe. I can't escape. I am not sure how much more I can take.
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Why do you chose to write about dark thoughts? Honestly, reading your thoughts, stories, musings, or whatever it is, puts a damper on my mood. I've thought about this at almost every post you've made and since you've asked for comments, I'll leave you one before I delete you from my Blog list. Yes, everyone has moments of darkness but the bible says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Phil.4:8 You can't be thinking about such things if your blogging about darkness, and bringing people into your darkness by asking them to read it. I was looking forward to reading your blog and finding out more about the inner workings of "you." I'm left wondering who in the world you are. I wish you joy, happiness, and brighter musings to fill your blog. You have such a sweet joyful spirit, share that.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts. Everyone is welcome to speak freely on here. I am a writer at heart. I write out of my joy and my pain. I express myself through my stories. I am open to your comments, but I do ask that you either be open to my way of expression, or simply do as you said and excuse yourself from my blog. This is my sancuary where I am free to speak uninterupted. I invite all who care to listen. all those who don't like what they read can just simply not read it.
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